Have A LOL moment?

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

Straight to the point lol

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

I love to see it when someone takes the initiative

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

Now that's proper extreme sport's   must be a triathlon..... Fly/Swim/Run like forrest gump 

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

Paddy and Mick worked in the same factory and both got laid off, so they went down to the local unemployment office.

When asked for his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher".

He was asked to explain exactly what was involved in his work.

"Roight", he said "I sew da elastic onto der ladies' knickers and thongs."

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer, and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him the basic 100 pounds a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was defined as being a skilled job, the benefit clerk gave Mick 200 pounds a week.

When Paddy found this out he was absolutely furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained, 'It's quite simple, Knicker Stitchers like yourself are only classified as unskilled labour. On the other hand your friend being a Diesel Fitter definitely needs to be skilled to do his job"

'Skilled !" yelled Paddy. "What skill is involved in him doing that ?"

"I carefully sew da elastic onto all da knickers and thongs, - that is really skilled"

"Mick puts 'em over his head when they're finished

and says:

'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Toyota.

The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of the truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

A man owned a small farm in the North East of Scotland.

The Department of Consumer & Employment Protection heard that he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £400 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £450 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"Aye that would be me then," replied the farmer.

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don`t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don`t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[White Stripes]

LMAO!!!

[Forested665]

ok so theres this dude right. he's sitting there in his litle chair and then BAM this dog shows up....and uhm....uhm.... why am i typing this?

[Bluey_412]

because

[Bluey_412]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

Pick up cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. cradle cat in left arm and repeat process

Retreive cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open. Push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

Retreive cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spose to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retreive cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring Fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap

Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head verically and pour half pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.

Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any white mice.

[ÐØØMÊ®]

This is why Santa shouldn't be flying with Rain-Deers

Edited: Please be aware that certain things will be removed or put away in a section... Understood they are jokes however, they are not very nice material to some people. 

[ÐØØMÊ®]

[]-[êll.Ôñ.ËÀR'][']-[.]

Ok i will send your present back then 

[GhostShip]

I was passing by Youtube and spotted this old but funny rework of an industry propaganda video, its cheap but its cheerful 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWw_ipvsPtg

This next one featured in a comedy show, even the professional entertainers make fun mindless industry claims

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=NdD0cmhBdr0&NR=1