0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
im not understanding what you are saying this is not for trivia i have seen other rooms run diff jokes and sayings in them using there bot that shows in the room every so often on a timer i will figure it out i guess im not making myself clear thanks to all who tried to help have a good day
<OnTimer type="script" interval="1800"><out type="self">!autotrigger</out></OnTimer><command type="random"><in>!autotrigger</in><out>!birthday</out></command>
<command type="script"><in>!joke</in><out type="push" extdata="4"><operator type="+" lvalue="%RANDOMNUM[31]%" rvalue="1"/></out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c8#A Woman's Ode to Valentine's Day</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Hearts and roses and kisses galore...</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#What the hell is that schtuff for</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#People get mushy and start acting queer</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#And wear all black for the rest of the week.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade…</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#For all they are doing is trying to get laid.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Because I think love is a bunch of Shit!.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#So there's my story... what can I say…</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'' The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'' ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="19">#c19#How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="19">#c19#Tell her a joke on Monday!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="18">#c18#What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="18">#c18#Are you sure it's mine?</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="17">#c17#Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="17">#c17#A: "I'm soooo drunk."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies,</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="15">#c15#Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="15">#c15#She heard the drinks were on the house.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="14">#c14#How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="14">#c14#Blow in her ear.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde. </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="12">#c12#Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="12">#c12#A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="11">#c11#Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="11">#c11#She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="10">#c10#Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="10">#c10#A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="8">#c8#Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="8">#c8#A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="7">#c7#Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="7">#c7#A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="6">#c6#A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="6">#c6#The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. </out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#“What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.</out></command>
<OnTimer type="script" interval="1800"><out type="self">!joke</out></OnTimer><command type="script"><in>!joke</in><out type="push" extdata="4"><operator type="+" lvalue="%RANDOMNUM[31]%" rvalue="1"/></out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="31">#c20#In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="30">#c11#"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="29">#c10#"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="28">#c8#''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c8#A Woman's Ode to Valentine's Day</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Hearts and roses and kisses galore...</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#What the hell is that schtuff for</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#People get mushy and start acting queer</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#And wear all black for the rest of the week.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade…</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#For all they are doing is trying to get laid.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Because I think love is a bunch of Shit!.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#So there's my story... what can I say…</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="27">#c7#Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="26">#c6#"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="25">#c4#“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,” answered the husband.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="24">#c3#She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="23">#c2#A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="22">#c1#The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.'' The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="21">#c21#The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'' ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="20">#c20#"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="19">#c19#How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="19">#c19#Tell her a joke on Monday!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="18">#c18#What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="18">#c18#Are you sure it's mine?</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="17">#c17#Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="17">#c17#A: "I'm soooo drunk."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies,</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="16">#c16#The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="15">#c15#Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="15">#c15#She heard the drinks were on the house.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="14">#c14#How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="14">#c14#Blow in her ear.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde. </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="13">#c13#''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="12">#c12#Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="12">#c12#A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="11">#c11#Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="11">#c11#She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="10">#c10#Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="10">#c10#A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="9">#c9#And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="8">#c8#Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="8">#c8#A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="7">#c7#Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police?</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="7">#c7#A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people.</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="6">#c6#A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="6">#c6#The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="5">#c5#The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. </out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, </out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="4">#c4#“What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="3">#c3#So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business."</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite.</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="2">#c2#Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."</out><out condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"</out> <out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"</out><out delay="1000" condition="==" lvalue="%USERVAR[4]%" rvalue="1">#c4#They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.</out></command>
<OnTimer type="script" interval="900">
